Seven Ways To Get Me On My Back

Standard

Having just returned from my annual pilgrimage to Labialand, where the scale sits five pounds too high and peeing in a cup is a full contact sport, I’ve come to an obvious conclusion.

Visiting your OB/GYN for any reason other than having a baby seriously blows.

Even though my childbearing days are long gone, I force myself up on the pleather-covered table once a year because experts swear that a smiling vagina makes the world a better place. Since we could all use a little more peace, love and understanding, following are some ideas that the Board of Obstetrics and Gynaecology might want to consider discussing with its clamp-carrying members to make the ride a little less rough.

Image via laserlabs.com.

If Happy Wife = Happy Life, then Healthy Lips = Less Hormonal Dips. You can quote me on that, but not in public or in front of my dad. He gets super-embarrassed when you shout VAGINA! during thought-provoking dinner conversation with the new neighbors and prefers to use the word bohunky instead.

Anyway, if you happen to be my OB, here are seven ways to increase your chances of getting me on my back (sorry Simon, it’s another hook, but if you’re still here, you’ve earned major props for reading this far since you’re a dude).

1. Replace this:

Yep, that’s me. Image via Stacie Chadwick.

With this:

Beam me up! This couple laughed all the way through menopause. Image via Stacie Chadwick.

2. Don’t pull the surprise “Time to prick your finger and check those iron levels!” gig right after shoving a three-foot long Q-tip halfway up my small intestines through a hole I didn’t want to explore in the first place. You’re a doctor after all, and should already know that my sweet summer tan and glow-in-the-dark teeth are proof positive of my excellent health.

This is how I feel about getting my finger pricked. Image via Stacie Chadwick.

3. Replace this wall art:

Birth Control is so mid-twenties. Image via Stacie Chadwick.

With this wall art:

Image via fanpop.com.

4. Please stop asking if I remembered to do my kegels after each pregnancy. I’m sorry if I’m leaking all over your bifocals, but I haven’t been pregnant for nine years. The answer is no. It’s always been no. It will always be no, and while we’re at it no, I don’t want an inpatient, hook and needle craft kit suture to tighten up the opening to my woman-cave. When it comes to peeing all over yourself on a regular basis you have to think positively. Adult diapers are a lot more form-fitting than the package leads you to believe, and paired with a new set of Spanx, take playing on the slip-and-slide with the kids to a whole new level.

That’s not me. Image via geekinheels.squarespace.com

5. Replace this:

Country-chic tampon holder. Image via Stacie Chadwick.

With this:

Cristy Carrington knows how to choose an OB. Image via myopera.com

6. Consider exchanging those flimsy paper gowns that barely cover my cheeks and catch the draft of every open door in the building for Snuggies. If you’re interested, Walgreens has an entire landfill’s worth of the 2011 Tim Tebow Broncos version that you can pick up for next to nothing.

A three-month pregnant Le Clown could use a Snuggie to protect his Tori Spellingesque silhouette. Image via clownonfire.wordpress.com

7. Replace this:

Image via Stacie Chadwick.

With this:

I’ve never read Fifty Shades of Grey, but 100,000,000,000,000,000 women can’t be wrong. Image via Wikipedia.

And there you have it. If you, Dr. Feelgood, can find a way for me to kick back with a cocktail in a barcalounger wrapped in the cocoon-like warmth of a Tim Tebow blanket while I gaze up at Johnny Depp and read porn, I’ll come visit once a week instead of once a year. Promise.

84 responses »

  1. I thought this was going to about something else.

    And for the record I would take the highlights magazine over 50 shades. Highlights is more mature and better written.

    Zing!

  2. Sweet Jesus on a stick, this is freakin’ beautiful. Even I almost peed while reading it, I laughed so hard. I may have to send this to my OB/GYN. These suggestions are genius. Although I tried to get through 50 Shades but couldn’t do it because I was rolling my eyes and sneering too much–the writing is comicallly awful. And yes, cocktails. if someone is going to be poking and prodding my lady parts in a non-recreational manner, I want to be good and tanked.

    I do have one question, though: were you smiling in that first photo?

    • Yes, but only because I was laughing at my immediate decision to completely pimp myself out for a blog post. Otherwise anything involving stirrups is just wrong.

      Thanks for the visit and comment, MW, love ya!

  3. Especially those paper gowns that didn’t cover me when I was skinny, let alone post pregnancy, middle-aged flabby! Awesome post!

  4. Gemini Girl,
    Hands down my favourite post of yours. Not because I’m mentioned. Not because there is more pictures than words. That was some serious blogging, Stacie.
    Le Clown
    PS: I’ve heard there’s the OBGYN version/post of your visit coming soon, pictures and all…

  5. To complete the experience, I would like to have the generic background office music replaced with your choice of a Nirvana- or Pretenders-based party playlist. Really really LOUD.

    • Right! It’s such a controversial book, not because of the subject matter, but because the writing is supposedly horrific. A friend gave it to me and it’s sitting on my on my nightstand under a copy of Lolita, where it will likely stay forever. Thanks for the comment. =)

  6. I just ordered 2 dozen t-shirts in various sizes, which I will distribute after church on Sunday: “A smiling vagina makes the world a better place.” I expect to get a thank-you from the pulpit.

    • Theo,
      I’d love a thank you note from your congregation, but what about a 10% cut of the proceeds as well? Don’t tell me you’re giving those shirts away…sell them and give 90% of the profits back to the church!
      Stacie

    • If you feel like you know me better are you scared yet? Right on with the temperature…and the 30 minute wait on the table in a flimsy gown. I could go on and on and on…. =)

  7. Or if Doc Feelgood looked like Mr. DEPP!?? Is the boobage smash due as well? I so so hate those things? Loved the back-in-the-saddle shot. You’re a brave one, Stacie ;)

  8. I want to have dinner with your dad. Actually, I want to have dinner with your dad and the Kidling and just watch what happens when she starts to quiz him on which vagina he came out of. I might need an adult diaper for that exchange.
    Well I guess it’s time for me to make the dreaded appointment. I hope they serve cocktails.

  9. Guess who’s getting a package from me, complete with a copy of this blog post, before my next appointment. Meh to 50 Shades (or at least what I’ve heard of it), but Johnny Depp makes everything better.

    • Yay! Maybe your OB will be the first to fall in line, or perhaps in Canada they already do things the right way? I agree. I’d trade my copy of 50 Shades for Johnny Depp any day of the week. Thanks for the comment!

  10. Oh, Stacie, you really knocked it out of the ball park with this one (excuse the bad cliche). So funny. So excrutiatingly recognizable. So honest. Loved it!! It deserves to be Freshly Pressed, but 1) I’m not sure if they bestow the honor twice, and 2) it would probably make too many men squeamish, starting with your father. :)

    • Carrie,
      I love your blog love almost as much as I’d love to be Freshly Pressed. I’ve heard of it happening more than once, but only during a solar eclipse in the middle of a leap year or something like that. And you’re right, while the title may hook a guy, the subject matter would lose him within seconds. Any dude brave enough to comment here gets an A+ in my book. Thanks for your kind note. =)
      Stacie

  11. Whoa, hey, wait a minute – your dad works for the Michigan legislature?

    What little I understood of this made me chuckle. Somber or goofy, wise or smart-mouth, it’s always worth a visit here.

    • The visual of what it would take an OB to get carpal tunnel seriously grosses me out. You don’t gross me out though, happy to see you here and balls up for being a dude strong enough to comment on this post! =)

  12. Bahahahahaahahahaha! If I hadn’t just become a vegan, milk would have shot out of my nostrils right now instead of hummus. And that raw garlic just burns the mucus membranes. I love this POST! My last gynecologist had motivational posters on the ceiling…like I’m going to think about running a marathon or the power of faith while he’s digging around in my vajayjay with a shoehorn.

    Johnny Depp would have certainly made the experience more pleasant, but I’m not sure I want to be feeling sexy while Dr. Frostbite Fingers is squeezing my mammary glands. I vote for a few lungful’s of nitrous oxide, a eunuch to keep Doc honest, followed by a dirty martini (c’mon, you know you’re feeling just a little filthy at that point) and a twenty for the cab ride home.

  13. Awesome post GG. It is unfortunate that these necessary visits are often physically trying. Don’t the Docs know that your lady parts are sensitive and fragile!? What kills me is when the OB/GYN is a woman and still hurts her patients! On my wife’s last visit her GYN actually bruised her… And yes, her GYN is a woman… I don’t get it.

    The male version of this (at least for over 50′s like myself) is the yearly prostate exam. Actually not so bad when your MD is a nimble-fingered woman (the smaller finger size really helps). I’ve never felt like she was trying to shove a Louisville Slugger up my tuckus. So why can’t OB/GYN’s show the same care for the ladies?

    • Dear Inphiluencer,

      First, thank you for the sweet compliment.

      Second, I like the word “tuckus” almost as much as “bohunky.”

      Third, how does Le Clown have such a smart friend? Does he pay you?

      Fourth, a bruise? Down there? Ouch. Please pay my condolences to your wife.

      Fifth, I love the thought of a nimble-fingered OB. For some reason, one of the Elvish people from Lord of the Rings comes to mind.

      Sixth, I’m from Louisville, KY…home of the Louisville Slugger.

      OK, that’s it for now. Your comments always make my day.

      GG

  14. Woman, you are hilarious and judging by your picture, you do NOT look like you are “well past child bearing years”….. :-)

    • Wendy,

      Although I’m still able to bear a child, I’m no longer willing. My OB is gonna have to get that $5K in labor management expenses somewhere else. Love seeing you here. I’m looking forward to reading more of your next novel…

      xoxo
      Stacie

  15. Dear Fellow Geminian

    You are getting funnier by the week. If I had female gyno-bits I would have peed myself laughing.

    So … why do they call a pap smear a pap smear? Because if they called it a c*** scrape, let’s be honest, no woman would ever go get one.

    Male-ly yours
    Yolly

    • Yolly,

      Great question. All I know is that the OBGYN genies have decided that you only need a pap once every three years now. Maybe they’re finally listening to the heard of women running from the exam room.

      GG

      • Just be thankful you don’t have an annual prostate exam. I mean, sheesh.

        Did you hear about the guy who lay on his side for the doctor to have a good look up his jacksy, and suddenly cried out “Ouch!” and looked back to see the quack extracting TWO fingers from his butt. “Why the hell did you do that?!” asks the patient. “I thought while I was up there you’d like a second opinion …” says the doc.

        Sorry, it’s a slow day here in la-la land.

      • Yolly,

        That is seriously gross in a funny kind of way. Or funny in a gross kind of way. I’m not sure which. Glad the pace of your day gave you a chance to stop by. I’ll do the same.

        Stacie

        PS I spell checked you so no worries.
        =)

  16. Interesting ideas. I’m sure gyno visits are tablespoonfuls of hell, but sometimes I feel jealous that at least you ladies regularly check the weather in your nether regions. Us guys don’t visit those special doctors until that fertility test we all dread (hope that’s never necessary.)

  17. Excellent! Well said, very well said! Couldn’t agree more with all of these. However, picture number one has left me very concerned… WTF did they do to your TOE? Is that included in your exam? Should I be afraid? I’ve come to hate the phrase, “Ok, scooch down a little further [so your ass is dangling off the table and I can get my face and tools right in there, thanks] more than any other phrase on the planet. Did they really recommend that you adjust your ladyparts? Also, all those women are certain wrong about 50 Shades of Bad Writing, but good for her for laughing through her mid-life crisis all the way to the bank. Want funny? Try this http://www.facebook.com/50ShadesOfRedWhiteAndBlue skip to the “chapter” posts… I thought it was hilarious, anyway.

    • Laura,

      So nice to see you. I’ve missed your blog…hasn’t it been almost a month since you’ve posted? What’s going on?

      Here’s the thing with my toes. BOTH of the fourth toes on each foot are shorter than my fifth toe. It’s weird. Like, super-creepy/possible webbed feet weird. But it’s real, and it’s not the OB’s fault. It’s my mom’s fault. 100%.

      And YES, there should be a recording to tell you to scooch down further, because no one wants to have their ass dangling off the table (as you so beautifully stated), which is pretty much where you need to be in order for your OB to shove a clamp up your most private of private parts.

      I’ll check out the link (thank you, I’m sure it’s awesome), and I agree, I haven’t read 50 Shades either, but she’s GOT to be counting her bills like Monopoly money, so who cares if it sucks?

      xoxo

      • Hey Stacie! Thanks for asking… I’ve just been a lazy summer blogger. Nothing is inspiring me these days, but hopefully soon. I just can’t force myself to write something if I’m not feeling it. Maybe it’s the heat, the fires, dunno, but I’m getting itchy to change the home page, so… Your post reminded me that I’m late for the Annual Humiliation. Ick. No doubt I will now think of you the whole time! Oh, and the toes–thanks for clearing that up. I won’t worry about wearing flip-flops now. I have a friend with the same toe thing.

      • I’m with you. If I’m not inspired I can’t fake it. I know you’ll get your blog-mojo back, and I’m looking forward to the result. As for any Annual Humiliation? Not so much. =/

  18. Hilarious! It’s my worst nightmare!!!!! Forget serving cocktails at the office, I have to have one before I get there!
    Rob

  19. I MADE IT I MADE IT ALL THE WAY TO THE END and even through some of the shudder inducing comments. Once again your title hooked me and then once you called me out for my previous taking of the hook I hung in there to the bitter end. Not being able to relate to any of this in any way shape or form and my ability to pee standing up may be my two luckiest accomplishments. Bravo Stacie, great stuff as always.

    • Simon,

      First, congrats on being FP’d. Isn’t this your second or third time? Second, since you’re married and have children, you absolutely CAN relate, just not on a firsthand basis. Third, thanks for sticking with it all the way through. Impressive.

      Stacie

  20. ok, i feckin’ loved this. i can NOT believe you took a picture of your feet in the goddamned stirrups. that makes you my hero. i like to pretend the stirrups (sp? hopefully, that f’en newspaper guy isn’t reading your comments section…) never happened, much like that one night stand in college.

    also, i have issued you a blog challenge. it is here:

    http://sweetmotherlover.wordpress.com/2012/07/09/i-have-an-international-blog-challenge-idea/

    feel free to reject it, but remember i had ten years of therapy that your rejecting may just undo. i’m just saying.

    • Hmmm, a blog challenge from the one and only Sweet Mother? I HAVE to at least take a look. I wouldn’t want to reject you in any way, shape, or form. Thanks for the visit, SM, it’s always great to see you here…will head on over to see what’s going on. =)

  21. Quite innovative ideas! Another thing OBs need to stay away from is a ‘weighing-in’ of the dimensions of the speculum. That is the last thing on earth we need the size of.

    • Thanks for taking the time to read something out of the archives. That’s one of my favorite posts, not for any reason other than I have a mildly stalkeresque obsession with Johnny Depp. I’ll get this to your OB stat (I’ve always wanted to use “stat” in a sentence, but until now hadn’t found the right path. Thank you for that).

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