Gemini Girl on Hackers, Weight Loss, and The Ever-Changing Silhouette of Madonna’s Face

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Dear Friends and Family,

My email has been hacked twice in the past week. After studying the link sent repeatedly to my entire contact list, it seems some covert ring in Shanghai is under the impression I have considerable influence over anyone trying to lose a few pounds.

Based on my newly found infamy, I’d like to set the record straight.

1. I don’t believe in weight loss products.

2. I don’t think you need to lose weight.

3. If you think you need to lose weight, please don’t use any of the scams that Jack Dong, aka Wang Dong, aka, UglyGorilla, aka notorious member of the Chinese hacker group Pwned has sent you via my email account.

That’s the infamous hacker group Pwned. Just kidding, it’s Harvard’s 2013 graduating class. Just kidding, it’s Brad and Angelina’s home security detail. Image via rfa.org.

4. No one can lose twelve pounds in five days without sacrificing a couple of vital organs.

That’s your liver on diet pills. Just kidding, it’s the liver of the oldest goat on the planet. Just kidding, it’s Tom Cruise’s dinner. Image via path.upmc.edu.

5. If you drink more Slim Fast than water, feel free to replace a healthy regiment of weight lifting and running with these awesome alternatives: constipation, headaches, loose stools, gas, bloating, abdominal discomfort, and intense hunger.

That’s Madonna after a 30-day Slim Fast cleanse. Just kidding, it’s Mike Tyson in drag. Just kidding, it’s your worst nightmare. Image via gstatic.com.

6. If you drink more tequila than Slim Fast, please check out this link: http://www.aa.org/.

7. Fasting is a great way to lose weight, as long as you believe that your 3:00 a.m. trip to kitchen to clear out the Cool Ranch Doritos, life-size chocolate Easter bunny, and an entire box of Saltines was just a dream.

That’s what I like to binge on late at night. Just kidding, it’s a culinary creation made from fish eggs, ramen, and bacon grease on Chopped. Just kidding, it’s a fetus. Image via dishola.com.

8. Avoid any diet plans containing the  words “clinical trial,” “Kardashian,” and “alkaline”.

9. There is no cream you can rub into your body to lose weight, unless it’s creamed gasoline, in which case weight loss will be pretty much confined to your top three layers of skin.

10. If you really want to lose weight, I highly recommend a mid-life crisis.

That's me, totally stressed because I somehow lost my Burberry credit card invite.

That’s me during a mid-life crisis. Just kidding, it’s me after discovering all the Cool Ranch Doritos are gone. Just kidding, it’s Mike Tyson.

My sincere apologies for any disruption or inconvenience my errant emails from Wang Dong have caused.

Stacie, aka Gemini Girl

56 responses »

  1. I’m wondering if that photo of Madonna was altered. If not, her red eyes make me suspect she’s one toke over the line…

    Oh, and by the way, you get the award for the most unappealing blog photos today. These alone should help people lose weight. Well done.

  2. I don’t think Madonna needs diet pills to look like a mess. I think she’s doing just fine on her own!

    I only receive “enlarge your penis” e-mails from my friends. They’ve probably given up on me losing weight and have now just turned to asking me to make my final transition into manhood.

    • Jen, I too, get penis enlargement emails. I always thought it was because the general cosmos assumed I had super-big balls, thus necessitated a matching penis, and I’m going with that thought on your end too. =)

  3. Yep, I was having lunch when I sat down to read this. I could have used that warning. Thanks for the incentive to just cut back.
    Your repertoire of “just kidding”s is hysterical. Totally worth the gross pics.

  4. I’ll bet you’d like to wang somebody’s dong…. But seriously, alkaline “diet”: A in my book! It just means food with a alkaline ph rather than acidic (yuck for the body…). At least my version of it. Maybe to someone else it means Battery Fluid.

    • The image isn’t as good as the real thing, I can tell you that from experience Charles.

      Never say never, I feel compelled to write about my hometown NCAA champion Louisville Cardinals today, but I’m trying to sit on my hands.

      =)

  5. Dear notorious blogger girl, madam Gemini, we humbly sorry that we most indiscreetly hack your honorable email. We take it back. This most regretfully event was action of one mistrustful agent and we wish not that your most intense self be (how you say…) piss-off towards our lowly selves. We respectful request that you demonstrate interested forgiving of our unskilful actions. We please that you do not employ lawsuitful action against our repentful persons. We tell FedEx to cancel all penis enlarger merchandise currently on destination to your location. You keep free sample, on us.
    Again, we very sorry.
    Signed: notorious Shanghai hacker group

    • Phillipe,

      This is precisely why I miss you when you’re not around. Your comment made me laugh out loud, which isn’t easy to do. Easier than artificially enlarging your penis for, sure, but still not easy.

      Stacie

  6. You never fail to impress me, and make me laugh! The photos are controversial, to say the least. Was that really a fetus? And what does Tom Cruise have for dinner? :-)

    • Stella,
      I love making you laugh! That is most definitely not a fetus, rather, some strange sushi creation from dishola.com.

      Enjoy your snow day and thanks for stopping by!
      Stacie

  7. Everybody Wang Dong tonight. I had no idea that song was about an infamous group of hackers advertising weight loss, but now it makes total sense.
    I’m glad I read this post early before my scheduled mid-life crisis and unrealistic fitness goals. It really helped. Thanks! Now please excuse me while I rub myself with a wrinkle removing cream I got off the internet. I think it’s cat vomit and totally works, probably because nobody will come near enough to me to see my wrinkles. Score!

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