Dear Friends and Family,
My email has been hacked twice in the past week. After studying the link sent repeatedly to my entire contact list, it seems some covert ring in Shanghai is under the impression I have considerable influence over anyone trying to lose a few pounds.
Based on my newly found infamy, I’d like to set the record straight.
1. I don’t believe in weight loss products.
2. I don’t think you need to lose weight.
3. If you think you need to lose weight, please don’t use any of the scams that Jack Dong, aka Wang Dong, aka, UglyGorilla, aka notorious member of the Chinese hacker group Pwned has sent you via my email account.
4. No one can lose twelve pounds in five days without sacrificing a couple of vital organs.
5. If you drink more Slim Fast than water, feel free to replace a healthy regiment of weight lifting and running with these awesome alternatives: constipation, headaches, loose stools, gas, bloating, abdominal discomfort, and intense hunger.
6. If you drink more tequila than Slim Fast, please check out this link: http://www.aa.org/.
7. Fasting is a great way to lose weight, as long as you believe that your 3:00 a.m. trip to kitchen to clear out the Cool Ranch Doritos, life-size chocolate Easter bunny, and an entire box of Saltines was just a dream.
8. Avoid any diet plans containing the words “clinical trial,” “Kardashian,” and “alkaline”.
9. There is no cream you can rub into your body to lose weight, unless it’s creamed gasoline, in which case weight loss will be pretty much confined to your top three layers of skin.
10. If you really want to lose weight, I highly recommend a mid-life crisis.
My sincere apologies for any disruption or inconvenience my errant emails from Wang Dong have caused.
Stacie, aka Gemini Girl