Why I’m Not Writing

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Why I’m Not Writing

In case anyone out there is wondering, I’m writing my first post in months about why I haven’t written a post in months.

It turns out that when you’re an unpaid writer creating content for millions of worldwide websters who surf the information superhighway in the middle of the night when they should probably be arguing with their spouse, there’s a lot that can get in the way of your craft. Like laundry. And in-laws. And naps.

My youngest enjoys doing laundry almost as much as me.

My youngest enjoys doing laundry almost as much as me.

But either Freud or my mom or maybe Donald Trump said good habits can be made in a matter of weeks, so I’m penning a post in an attempt to jumpstart my creative process or at least get a shot at a spot on the next Celebrity Apprentice. I sort of consider myself famous because have a lot of blog followers from India. It’s true so don’t be jealous. Or a hater. Hating on my international success overexposes your smile lines, which, according to Priscilla Presley, makes you look old. Priscilla prefers to look like a melty wax impression of herself, which is kind of cool if you’re into creepy Barbies.

I can’t move my face. Image via img.ibtimes.com

Reason Number One: I’m training for a half marathon

I said a half. Not a full. Running 26.2 miles is for crazy cyborgs with bionic heel strikes, like the ones who cut you off at Costco with a flatbed full of frozen kale, quinoa, and hemp seed right before they mow you down in the parking lot in their brand new Teslas en route to the neighborhood oxygen bar.

That’s my neighbor announcing her marathon finish time at last year’s community garage sale. Image via indiancarbikes.in

I’m not one of those people.

First of all, I like to eat real food, like bacon and Tang. Plus I drive the equivalent of a mobile meth lab, and by the time I pack up the trunk and ease into traffic, the marathoners have already supercharged their batteries, popped a heroine-like energy supplement, and are halfway up Pikes Peak. I’m not saying bionic people are addicts, but every marathoner likes to win, even if the side effects include an alkaline aftertaste and unsightly tooth decay.

This is where I like to cook.

This is where I like to cook.

I, on the other hand, am not in it to win it, but to log a respectable pace and skip the kids’ swim meet. Plus I could use a new t-shirt. Running takes time though, and like every girl of a certain age who drank formula as a baby instead of vitamin-enriched breast milk, I have to train. A lot.

Reason Number Two: I’m cleaning the house.

Anyone from India or maybe Sri Lanka who’s taken the time to read my posts knows I’ve never been a dog person. Until I got a dog, that is, and now I’m not so much a dog person as a my dog person. I’m a my dog person because my dog is awesome, and I really like fantastic things. Like tequila. Everyone who’s anyone in the canine industry knows my dog is bionic, and everyone who knows me will tell you I secretly wish I was bionic even though I’ll never admit it on account of all of those doped-up long distance runners.

I can’t move my face. Image via takethemagicstep.com

Anyway, my dog and I are pretty much a perfect match with one exception. He has a lot of hair. I don’t particularly like hair in inappropriate places which includes but isn’t limited to take out, hotel pillows, my chin, and Donald Trump. The presence of hair on any of the aforementioned surfaces should be illegal. Like redneck reality shows and Bruce Jenner.

I can’t move my face. Image via aceshowbiz.com

But because I respect the Bill of Rights and love my dog, I spend a lot of time cleaning. This attention to detail is better known as analosity, which I didn’t think was a word until I found it on urbandictionary.com. I’m pretty sure the definitions on urbandictionary are written by high-functioning OxyContin addicts who post unbelievable marathon finish times on Facebook for all those high school girls who beat them out for homecoming court to see, but I could be wrong.

Status Update: “Ran Chicago in 3:40 and smoked Dr. Oz. at the finish. Take that losers!” Image via jenx67.com

I thought I’d deal with a couple of shedding seasons and get right back to training for my race and loading up on glucosamine supplements at Costco. It turns out, however, that a shedding season, in dog years, is really all day for the rest of your life. Every dog person knows this, but since I’m a my dog person at heart and I ignore everyone who talks about canine bowel movement suppository brands at dinner parties when I just want to have a cocktail and chill, I’m pretty much screwed.

That's my leg.

That’s my leg.

Reason Number Three: The kids are out of school.

Anyone with children who might read this understands that after all the training, vacuuming, and sprinting from those crazy-eyed runners with fake teeth like Gary Busey (who doesn’t necessarily exercise but is probably connected to Bruce Jenner on Facebook), I have to feed my kids. Hence the trip to Costco that started this whole thing. This no-writing thing, that is.

I can’t move my face. Image via siO.twimg.com

So I may be back next week and I may not. It all depends on how I finish the race and whether or not my kids eat those roasted seaweed snacks I keep putting under their pillows at night. Time is cheap but college isn’t, and if I’m to ever have the bionic offspring I deserve? I’ve gotta start now.

 

90 responses »

  1. Your reasons for not writing frequently are way better than mine. I would borrow some of them but
    a) I don’t have a dog
    b) I don’t have kids
    c) I’m not training for anything
    I guess that leaves with cleaning. Maybe I will clean my house this week.

    • Yes, cleaning is a big time suck, especially cleaning up dog hair. I could spend hours and hours trying to get every last one out of the sofa (the sofa our dog isn’t allowed to sit on yet somehow manages to morph his hair onto), or I could drink cocktails, OR I could drink cocktails WHILE trying to get every last dog hair out of the sofa but that never seems to work.
      =)

  2. My dad just asked why you weren’t writing last night!! Seriously!! He loves your writing!!! Hopefully see you at the pool tomorrow!! Hugs!!

    Sent from my iPhone

  3. I am ashamed to admit how long I starred at the prom picture to see if that was us… so glad it wasn’t. Plus…you know I could never have big hair even though I wanted it.

    • Tiff, I sincerely toyed with posting one of our prom or homecoming court pics, but I found that one and it was too priceless to pass up. Plus you’re right, we could have interchanged any of us into it. Happy to see you here, hope you’re well…your non-big has saved you a lot of embarrassment down the road…no terrible 80s pics for you!

  4. I can’t feel my face, either. Must be a common side effect of aging?

    Best of luck on your training. A close friend of mine just ran a half marathon and to say she’s a tad obsessed with running doesn’t even cover it. It is ALL she talks about. It’s all she posts about on facebook. Every status update is how far she’s run or photos of herself running. I’ve been there, I was a runner once, too (for a short time) I think once you hit that runner’s high, your brain short-curcuits and kills all the other brain cells that relate to anything else aside from running.

    • OK, I ran the race and I’m glad I did it but I’m not obsessed. My knees were SCREAMING at me 48 hours later and that runner’s high hit at mile 3 and then went underground. I’m checking it off the list, but another one? Not feeling that short-circuited brain quite yet. =)

  5. Oh Stacie good luck in the race! Can’t wait to hear about it. And thanks for introducing me to the word ‘analosity’.

    I love that picture of your daughter! She’s a cutie patootie!

  6. Well I for one have missed you. :) Glad to see a post from you. I think people identify with others who write about actual living. Fun post love the I can’t move my face pics and the prom court was priceless. Oh..and I too love Tequila. ;)

  7. Hi Stacie – all your reasons are valid. :-) Good luck on the race; I’m sure I can lure you into running a full marathon. And I love your dog too. And I have been a mess since school let out. I know that by the time I get used to the schedule, it’ll be back-to-school time.

  8. I was going to send you an email this morning, just to see how you’re doing. Break or no break, your writing is amazingly sharp and funny. Good luck in the race. I hope you like the tee-shirt.

  9. I hear you, sister. My “summer writing hours” are supposed to be from 5 am – 7am, the only time there is peace in the house. That’s not going so hot, so I’ve settled for a summer writing “hour” instead. Oy.

    LOVE LOVE LOVE your writing, Stacie. You always make me laugh! Best of luck with the Half!

  10. I’m assuming this was written after I was perusing your work, hoping for some new words of wisdom. Even if it wasn’t, I’ll just say it was. Funny story, I actually used to make Tang. Not on my own, but at this company I used to work for. I ran the big industrial mixer that blended the pre-mix, sugar and citric acid. I would go home everyday orange, or red or purple, depending on the flavor schedule. When I said funny story, I didn’t mean in the traditional sense. I meant funny like sad, miserable experience. I’m glad to read your words again, my friend, as I am on record as stating that you’re one of my favorites. I think some people run marathons to show off how far and fast they can get away from me. But I do better than that, and I get in my car and drive in the opposite direction. Then I loop around on back roads and wait for them around the 17 mile mark. When they pass by me, I beep my horn and laugh when they get scared. Then I run them over twice for flinching.

  11. I’m just glad you didn’t burn down. (Yes, I know you’re near Denver, not Colorado Springs, but I was worried anyway.) Good luck running farther than I’ll ever be able to. :)

  12. Ah Gemini Girl, you hit the mark on so many levels here, where to begin? First of all, you’re back! Thank the Gods of Mondelez (formerly Kraft foods) – makers of Tang! Do you know what it’s like to try to quit a GG addiction!? Gawd, I was up to step 3 in the program, they were about to make me start reading Le Clown’s blog again… ack! Ran through season 7 of Dexter and seasons 1 & 2 of Game of Thrones while you were away and I swear by the Mother of Dragons that I couldn’t take much more of this. You’re back in the nick if time! And here I thought you were on a promo tour for your latest bestseller “How to fastrack your kids from kindergarten to therapy”.

    Since my last half, in Plattsburgh (were I posted my bestest time while wearing my awesomest RUSH running jersey), my right knee has decided to take a moment… that moment has now lasted one month with no sign of letting up… stupid knee…

    Gary Busey is normal compared to Bruce Jenner. Jenner was super cool in 1976, but then I think he got abducted by aliens or something. He’s living proof of the ravages of anal probing.

    So you’re big in Mumbai now, eh? Good for you; I smell a Bollywood movie deal coming. Can you picture all that singing and dancing at the end of your half marathon?

    Really nice to be reading you again! Don’t make us and you 17 billion Indian fans wait another 6 months.

    • Dear Inphiluencer,
      Your comments make me smile from ear to ear. Thank you for being you. I ran the half and can now check it off my list. I’m not sure if I will be a repeat or a three-peat or anything similar but it was fun! Now, as far as shows go, have you watched Breaking Bad yet? If not you’ve gotta put it on your list. It’s where I get all of my meth refs from. Hope you’re well, my friend!
      Stacie

  13. Excuses excuses! I can’t believe you run any marathons at all, even partial. But then again, I’ve seen your flexilicious pictures on FB and shouldn’t be surprised… Dog hair! We’ve started giving a round of applause and rewards to the little kids for finding collie hairs in their food (my mom’s dogs, not mine!) They love it. They’ll go off to college and be disappointed with the hairless cafeteria food. Even our short-haired whippet manages to leave hair everywhere in the house. And brindle! A color to contrast with every fabric ever invented. Glad to have you back, Chadwick, I’ve been missing your posts ;)

    • Harry, I tell El Chez he’s the luckiest guy I know about 15 times a day. He was over it right around June of 1994. =) Thank you for reading my posts, it makes me happy to make you laugh. Hope you, Michelle and the boys are well. =)

  14. You are the best Stac… I love to read your blogs. I am always wiping tears off my face from
    laughing so hard. You are gifted.. Good luck bionic women, I mean marathon girl.

  15. BTW my Tesla is a blast and (as you know) I am far from bionic and despite my long list of addictions, meth is not one of them!

  16. I was just thinking about you! Glad to hear that you’ve just been keeping busy, and haven’t given up on WordPress. I don’t understand how someone who can run a full marathon. I have a hard enough time running around the block. I guess I lack endorphins.

  17. So, what’s with the followers from India? I have a few of those here and about 400 on Google +.I’m not even kidding. I don’t get it. I mean, if they are following because they think my posts are that good well, that’s awesome. But it’s not like they ever comment or anything… Oh, well.

    Also, what’s that having to train due to drinking formula as a baby instead of vitamin-enriched breast milk, bit about?

    • Because my mom didn’t love me enough to breast feed me. Just kidding. When I was a baby, formula was brand new and considered WAY better than breast milk. Little did they know it was a mom-marketing snow job. Thanks for the visit SSG (and I think all of those followers are fake on my part…not getting it at all).

  18. I don’t care why you weren’t here, I’m just really glad you’re back (I would have an erection if I had a penis….well…I DO have one but it’s sitting in my bedside table). ;-) xo

  19. Nice to see you take a short break from all that training, cleaning and other real life stuff to let us know you are doing all that real life stuff.

    Nice to see you / read you. Glad to have you back if only once a week.

  20. Why indeed? As you see yourself unable to write because of all those other pressing issues, what does it tell you about your passion? Clearly your energy lies in activities other than writing at this point in time and that is okay. But do I sense regret somewhere?

    Loved the post nonetheless.

    Shakti

    • Shakti,

      The answers to your questions require so much digging that I think I’m better off taking a nap.OK that was a joke. To your point, I have a lot of passions. Writing is harder when the kids are out of school because they’re at the top of the list. Thank you for the kind words and thoughtful comment.

      Stacie

  21. Awesome to see you back Stacie! I always find your insanity to be a refreshing brand of insanity and consequently making my day a better one. ;-)

    Half marathon eh? Well good for you, though now I’m wondering how crazy stupid I am for running the Marine Corps Marathon in October.

    • Jed,

      You are crazy stupid and also brave.

      Thank you for the kind words. I can’t imagine doubling my distance. You’ll be awesome, so write about it when you’re done.

      Stacie

  22. Well you took all of my excuses… except the dog thing…that you’d have to replace with surfing the internet looking for the perfect dog that I can’t actually have because it’s against the no-pet clause in our lease and then surfing the internet for the perfect house in which I could have that hypothetical perfect dog because f*ck that whole no-pet clause thing, my kids should know the joy of having a furry friend who craps all over their lawn and eats their toys and then crying over the fact that nobody sells houses that are affordable for poor people except Habitat For Humanity who refuse to recognize our poverty because we eat well and enjoy a few electronic toys! Other than that, I’m doing all of the same sh!t.

  23. Every time I see Gary Busey, he looks looks like a pissed off crazy person. Every time he opens his mouth, he merely sounds like a crazy person, though a happy, I’m-gonna-shove-God-down-your-throat-bless-you-fanatical kind of crazy.

    Marathoners are an interesting breed of people. Having walked a half-marathon, I have been bitten by the bug and I suppose that I am one of those breed now, too. Though I don’t look like one or have the fitness level of a marathon runner, of course. So I’m more like the poor cousin, five times removed, in the marathon runner family. Despite being, like, 500 lbs overweight and puffing like an old guy with emphysema when I go over 2.5 mph, I am bound and determined to finish a marathon if it kills me. It may take me 30 years to work up to that point, but at least it’s a goal, dammit.

    I had to laugh out loud when you mentioned the shedding season for dogs being every day for the rest of its life. Bingo! You are so right. I got spoiled with my Boston terrier. She was short-haired and rarely shed. Then I got a German Shepherd. I look like I’m wearing a sweater constantly whenever I go home for home time from my trucking job. He has tried his best to make up for her short-comings in the shedding department. I wish he’d stop.

    Glad you’re back. :) Write more!

  24. I’m not sayin’ a word. Nope. I’m not gonna bring up the fact that a certain blogging bestie of mine has been harassing me on a daily basis about my writing…and this post was written in June. I remember June. It was way before I wrote my two most recent blog posts and after I had to pack up our entire condo and move. But did that blogging bestie give me any slack? Nope. Because she wants the best for me. She wants me to become a successful novelist because she’s one of those genuinely nice people who wants good things to happen to the people she cares about. Damn it. I can’t even be snarky to her. Why? Because she loves her dog and she’s raised awesome kids. Oh, wait, I can definitely hate her for being way skinnier than I am…and for having great hair. But that’s all I’ve got. Yeah, she’s pretty awesome. Even if she hasn’t written shit since June. And even though she could be the next big thing in fiction if she took some time for herself and followed her dream. She’s that good, you know. Really talented. I hear she writes a hilarious blog. She’s training for a marathon, too. Hmmmmm. You two should meet. Maybe you can convince her to finish that book of hers.

    Missed you, Bestie! xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo MSP

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