How To Put The “Me” In Just About Every Meal

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Thanksgiving is here, and while many aspiring at-home chefs dream of salt pigs, Crisco, and Paula Deen, I’m trying to decide how to kick my relatives out of the house so I can focus on the one holiday each year that really matters.

My Birthday.

Yum.

In order to plan the secret getaway my husband will surprise me with next June, I need time. And space. And solitude. I also need money, but I’m pretty much gonna leave that one up to him.

Since airfare is cheapest right around 5:00 p.m. (and a rainbow unicorn will clean the kitchen before everyone gets here in a few hours), I need to focus on avoiding a connection through O’Hare at the exact time every afternoon that I should be whipping up a wheatgrass shake, some raw calf liver, and a side of kimchee for my kids.

Yum.

Most mothers have a hard time prioritizing themselves over everyone else, but I’ve pretty much gotten it down, probably because I’m left handed. And a fast learner. And desperate.

Anyway, following is my six-step plan to put the focus where it should be on Thanksgiving and just about every other day of the year. Yourself. You can thank me later, preferably in American Express Travelers Cheques that are pretty much untraceable and can be used to upgrade my seats.

1. Decide, after nine years of looking at the same kitchen table, that it’s time for a change. Like Obamacare, claim your new table is meant to include everyone, even though it’s really just intended for the few citizens who can hack their way through a complex matrix of broken code and steal all your bitcoins. That’s right, angry Russian expats.

2. Refinish above-referenced sad piece of furniture with something that takes 30 days to cure. So what if you realize you can’t use it for a month only after you’ve slathered your table with it? It might contain asbestos, kryptonite, non-soluble gluten particles, or something equally hazardous to your family’s health. Don’t try to bend the rules and serve a meal on day 25.

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Come eat at my new table and prepare to die.

3. Find some big, androgynous, shiny, circlet-like decorations that could be Thanksgivingish but are probably some designer’s attempt at an Ambien-inspired joke. Place them right in the middle of the table, rendering it fully inoperable.

This could be a thought-provoking centerpiece or ground zero for your next garage sale.

This could be a thought-provoking centerpiece or ground zero for your next garage sale.

4. Tell the kids that if they touch your new, expensive table art you’ll take their phones. Just for fun, go a step further and tell them that if they touch anything belonging to you, you’ll erase all their apps. This should make it virtually impossible for them to Snapchat their friends about your secret stash of painkillers.

5. Accidentally misplace the keys to the refrigerator. That’s right. Don’t be a hater.

6. And on Thanksgiving, when everyone in America is running around trying to find the instructions to their infrared thermometers? Sit back, relax, and dream about my birthday, because when you have a table no one else can use, you’re pretty much relegated to a bottle of wine and a store-bought pie.

If you don’t know what a bitcoin is, go here, buy one, and send it to me for my birthday.

47 responses »

  1. I love your six-step plan! Times like this I’m thankful I have very few relatives in the country, and no in-laws! I’m pretty much relegated to your wine and store pie diet.

    Have a terrific birthday 7 months early! And enjoy thanksgiving. :-)

    • I love YOU Stella because you’re probably the only person who will read my blog today. Just kidding! I love you because you compliment me. Just kidding! I love you because you’re awesome and I like surrounding myself with cool people. Happy Turkey Day!

  2. Ah, nice to see you filled with such Thanksgiving spirit… ;)

    Yesterday was my birthday, so I know all about the Thanksgiving/birthday connection. Or did you mean your birthday is in June? I think I missed that part. Must be all the tryptophan flooding my system. Gobble, gobble.

  3. Happy Turkey Stuffing Mother Loving Day Before Opposite of White Friday, Stacie! Loved reading your blog as my jet lagged nose smelled burning pumpkin pie that slid out of the dish into the oven bottom where it is now turning into lava. Wishing you and yours a great day.

    • I’m all about planning, Valentine. Like today? I’m planning to take a nap. Thanks for the visit. I’m incredibly impressed with your blogging productivity as of late and am going to try to emulate you. After my nap. =)

  4. Sooooo, I come back from a week in Vegas (hiking in Red Rock Canyon; legally driving at 75 MPH; staying at the Trump) and here’s a post from Mrs I-don’t-care-about-my-fans-anymore-so-I’m-only-going-to-post-once-every-couple-of-months! How are you Mrs GG? Very cool to read you! Oh, and you’re so right, it really is all about you! Enough with this Thanksgiving mumbo jumbo; let’s focus on your birthday! I’m writing my congressman right now! … Oh, wait, I’m Canadian, I don’t have congressmen… Only corrupt senators… Oh well. Here’s wishing you Red Bull & Lucky Charms in the morning and a unicorn at the end of your rainbow. Hugs & Kisses from the Great White North!

    • Wait, stop. You were in Vegas and didn’t tell me? Flights from Denver to Vegas are like, $10.00 each way. I could have come for the day, gambled with you and your family, become an instant billionaire, caught about 18 Cirque shows, hit the Wynn all you can eat buffet, partied with Snoop Dog and been home by dinner. Thanks a lot.
      xoxo back atcha. =)

  5. Not surprising, but I’d never heard of Bitcoins. So I clicked on the link, then went to several other sites that claim to explain how it all works. I still don’t get it, but I love your plan, anyway. This was my favorite part:

    “In order to plan the secret getaway my husband will surprise me with next June…”

    • I think bitcoins are like monopoly money, except for some reason they jumped from about $500 a coin on Monday to $738 Wednesday, to over $1,000 each on Friday (in value). If you’d bought me one for my upcoming birthday in June I’d be rich.
      Thanks for the visit, Charles. I’m headed over to your site in a few…very busy not cooking and not writing lately. To answer your question from before…I have the opposite issue from impending doom. I’m more like an eternal optimist which can be equally damaging in the productivity department. =/

  6. Non soluble gluten particles are my favorite Thanksgiving dish. But I don’t like it when people put raisins in it. That’s gross. Also, bitcoins are just Nintendo’s attempt to get the world to move to a Super Mario based economy, and I’m against that, because I’m an Xbox kind of guy. Happy Birthday in 6 months!!

  7. You had me with the title here, Chadwick! Sorry I’m late to the party but did you birthday happen? I can’t believe I missed the fireworks heard around the world.If it happened. If not, let me know so I can post something inappropriate on the special day. Love the humor, as always, and I will never look at round wickery things at Hobby Lobby again without thinking of your toxic table! Hope you had a good Thxgiving, despite everything… xx

    • No my birthday isn’t until next June so you still have plenty of time to make me a beautiful gift. Don’t you feel blessed? I obviously wasn’t writing very clearly when I penned this at a robust and somewhat psychotic 5:00 a.m., otherwise it would be apparent to anyone reading it that there remains ample time to buy me a bitcoin or two.

      Hope you had a great Thanksgiving yourself Laura, thanks for stopping by. =)

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