Is A Boyfriend Who Could Be Your Son the Latest Status Symbol?

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If so, count me out. Ever since Madonna started taking NyQuilesque shots from the fountain of youth about a decade ago, I’ve been kind of obsessed interested in what it means to age gracefully. Not that I’m particularly graceful. Or aging. Because I’m not.

Just because I like to gear-up in mylar, completely spread- eagle, for hours a day to increase blood flow and stimulate new skin growth doesn’t mean I’m worried about getting old. It means I’m desperate. Image via greatwaywellness.com

I’m all for girl power, free drinks, equal pay, and getting your groove on to whatever poorly written porn you choose, but when it comes to throwing out the thongs and embracing Spanx, there’s one place I draw a line.

Image via muffintopmommy.com

It’s this:

“What? Of course I’m completely comfortable dating a boy who could be my son. Just because he likes to aggressively manipulate my shoulders in public, appears to be carrying rabies, and loves it when I slip a Rufie in his wine glass is none of your business. He’s still in high school. Back off.” Image via zimbio.com.

As I woman who’s logged a certain number of untold X marks on my back the calendar (there’s a reason I hide my birth year on Facebook), I’ve earned the right to express my thoughts on foreplay aging, and in my opinion, everything in this picture is wrong (except the Medieval-looking wine glass. Drinking anything out of a goblet while screaming “Show me the money!” is forever cool).

So in an effort to stem the tide of inappropriate behavior increasingly desperate female stars of a certain age who use every last shellacked nail to hang onto those swag bags filled with $1,000 disposable syringes of baby giraffe hormones, I’m offering some advice. Consider it a gift, words to live by, and my good deed for the day. Especially if you’re Demi Moore.

“What am I hiding behind my glasses? My wrinkles, silly! Ashton doesn’t realize he wasn’t even born when “About Last Night” hit the screen. Duh!” Image via freeimagesarchive.com

Reasons Not To Date A Guy You Could Have Given Birth To:

1. You’ll no longer be able to listen to your favorite 90s boy bands. Anything by NSYNC is an open invitation to a loud, petty, spit-filled midnight fight over ab definition.

OK, maybe NSYNC was the wrong visual. Image via people.com.

2. Mary Kay Letourneau. Not only did she go to jail because she was a teacher dating a thirteen year-old student (nothing wrong there), but now that she’s forty-eight? She has to deal with her own raging hormones and getting her husband through puberty at the same time.

“I just love it when your voice cracks and you slam the bedroom door repeatedly for no apparent reason!” Image via bumpshack.com

3. The inverse relationship between gravity and aging. As he’s struggling to get his up, everything you’ve got going on is sliding, well….down.

There are so many things wrong with this picture that I don’t know where to start. Plus I just threw up in my mouth. Image via saveyourselffromyourself.com

4. Jennifer Lopez

“Hola Mami! Does J Lo mean jello because I’m hungry and it’s time for my afternoon snack!” Image via thesuperficial.com

5. Dealing with errant facial hair. His and yours.

Image via apowl.com

5. While he’s texting naked pictures of you to his dorm mates, you’ll never figure out how to Pinterest his tweeter. Or pin his twitter-thingy. Or something like that.

6. Madonna

“Oh baby, is it bad lighting or is your face cracking off?” Image via cradlerobber.com

So that’s it. If these images aren’t enough to scare you out of dating someone who could have popped out of your womb, I can’t help you. Anyway, I’ve got my own issues to deal with, like getting to the plastic surgeon before the kids get home from school for BOGO breast implants. Can’t leave my ladies waiting!

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67 responses »

  1. Completely legit reasons and hilariously captioned pics! I think that when you age, you just age. This ‘aging gracefully’ is just some catch-phrase that stuck, and does’t really change perspectives. Of course, I could be totally wrong as I am nowhere close to experiencing spandex, but I do like what Jack Donaghy says in 30 Rock: having a younger partner could actually be good for psychological reasons; gives a huge self-esteem boost, albeit for a short period of time 🙂

    • I love your phrasing, and you make a good point. Never say never, although for me, I think I’m pretty safe in saying probably not.
      Do you agree or disagree, or are you so far away from baby giraffe hormone injections that it doesn’t matter yet? =)

      • haha! I wasn’t even aware of baby giraffes pitching into this shindig, so I think I’m pretty far away! But, seriously, I just like to come off as being ‘open’ to everything. From where I am, I don’t see it happening, ego-boost or not!

  2. Oh, wow, never before have I seen a skeleton with breast implants. And never again do I want to.

    But, you know, to me it comes down to money and power. Whoever’s got it can attract the young gotta-have-its. Men have been doing it for years. Now it’s the women’s turn. But I’m with you. Not my cup of tea (as if I had a chance, anyhow…)

    • I thought about including some reverse pics (older men and young women), but something about the single-line subject matter seemed more compelling to me (and yeah, a little funnier). I like the thought that smart, rich, beautiful woman can date anyone she wants to. I don’t like the thought of dating someone younger to hang onto…youth. That’s the vibe I got with all of these pics. Your comment about a skeleton with breast implants made me fall out of my seat laughing, BTW. Thanks Carrie!

  3. All good reasons. Also, 20 year olds are boring. I am basing this on the conversations my group of 20 year old neighbors have outside my open window every weekend. It makes me sad for 20 year old women, I can’t imagine what anyone who could legitimately be their mother would want with them.

    • Laugh-out-loud funny and very true. I don’t think I talked to guys when I dated in my 20s. All we did was drink, which after a certain number of cocktails, makes talking almost impossible. To your point, that’s probably a good thing. =)

  4. I had a couple a those — boyfriends who could be my sons. I’m too vain to carry on with that too long. Not that I’m all that — I’m just too self-conscious about how much younger they are than me — boo hoo!

  5. Interesting, but there’s a lot of relativity regarding age. My partner of over a decade is much older than me. We both knew there were complications to consider and we have addressed them along the way- I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world, ever.
    We’ve been through my professional and family issues and his brother’s messy divorce. Then we went through his mother’s vascular dementia and the financial crisis which affected both our careers and companies. Our age difference was never an issue to us, just to other people.
    We recognize and understand the possible/probable consequences of our choices and we accept them, because life is more complex than statistics.
    I’ve seen unhappily married cousins who were my age die. I’ve also seen unhappily married people who spend lifetimes together. If you can find that one person who completely “gets you”- age means very little. I’d rather have 15 or 25 or 35 or 45 years with the right person than 100 years with the wrong one.

    • Even though this post was written in a light, snarky tone, I love your thoughtful and thought-challenging comments, and I agree with what you’ve said.

      As a woman, I like the thought that our gender can bend the upside-down rules that have been in place for too long and date whoever we want. Personally, though, with a son who is 12 and will be 20 before I know it, I can’t imagine dating any of his contemporaries, especially in the context of the light in which I wrote…hanging onto youth. That having been said, any judgments I make above are meant to be funny and shallow, not a commentary on true love.

      After the country took a collective inhale when Woody Allen started dating Mia Farrow’s adopted daughter, Soon Yi Previn, he made an incredibly eloquent statement. “The heart wants what the heart wants.” That’s pure poetry, they’re still together, and it’s hard to argue with either now that the passage of time has blurred some messy edges.

      Thanks for taking the time to read and share your thoughts. I love hearing them.
      =)

      • I completely understand and I got that it was humour 😀
        I actually agree with your take if children are involved. That changes context entirely and I think could have a very bad impact on children. I’d even add that I find the idea of people “trading in” their partner for someone younger outrageous.

        I haven’t made up my mind on the Woody Allen thing. It’s kind of creepy that he “raised her”, sounds strangely like grooming.

      • When I heard about the Woody Allen thing, I had just gotten married and was like, “ummmm gross”. But I was also 27. Now that I’m 42 I have (I think) a broader life lens to look at through and it doesn’t bother me, in part, likely, because they’re still together. I don’t think, from what I’ve read, that he was involved in raising her in the same way/time duration that a typical adoptive parent would be, but I’m no expert. Either way, the message I get from that relationship today is that love can come from unexpected places, and that’s something, for me, that’s hard to argue. =)

  6. This has FP written all over it, Stacie. I don’t get this trend, personally. The last time I had the hots for a 20-something guy, I was in my late teens. And Susan Sarandon’s beau—-sweet fancy Moses, he is FUGLY. He’s an uglier, younger version of Tim Robbins, and I didn’t even think that was possible. She obviously has some bizarre taste.

    I like guys in their late 30s through mid to late 50s. But who knows, when I’m in my 50s, I may suddenly have a craving for 20-something kids again. I hope not, but Mother Nature is a demented bitch.

    • To your point, never say never. For me? Probably not, especially in the context of chasing youth. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not really thrilled about the prospect of aging, but I can’t ever see myself dating someone my son’s age. For one thing, it would be hard to keep up, and I’ve already got too much on my plate. Thanks for the comment, MW.
      As for being Freshly Pressed? That whole process is incredibly elusive. It happened on one of my first posts and the super secret genie-like editors have ignored me ever since. Have you been FP’d yet? If not, you will. Your flow is too smooth to ignore.
      =)

      • You’re so good to me, Stacie. Nope, not FP’d, but whatever, if it happens, great, if it doesn’t happen, that’s fine too.

        But seriously, this post of yours was really funny.

      • You will be. The editors somehow find their way toward great blogs. They find sucky ones too, but yours falls in the first camp. Thanksf or the love. xoxo

      • She’s okay. Then again, sometimes she’s a shrill harpy, and self righteous. I agree with her message but disagree with her delivery. Or it’s just her I dislike. Kinda like politics. I’m 50/50 on the parties, but I clearly know which humans I dislike. lol

      • I hear you, and that pic of her and her BF does offer up something to talk about, just looking at the various comments on this piece. I love the differing POVs.
        =)

  7. Stacie, where did you get that picture of my stepmother? I thought we rounded all of those up!!! Oh, and that first photo – I’m putting that on my bucket list 😉

    • I think that first photo has head injury written all over it (at least for me), but it would be kind of fun, assuming there was some safety rope strapped to my waist.

      I’m SO sorry to have found that pic of your stepmother. I would take it down, but it’s like a car crash, you know you shouldn’t look and linger, but you just can’t help yourself… =p

  8. Funny as it is, in real life and with real people it does happen for no other reason than people like each other. I have been married to my husband for 14 years and we have been together for nearly 16 years. There is a 19 year age gap between us, yes I am older. Will it last forever? Who knows, certainly not me.

    • Valentine,

      Thanks for the comment. I love hearing from you.

      It’s always good to see a shoe on the other foot that fits. My shallow, snarky post was meant to take a light stab at a youth-obsessed Hollywood culture…not a hit at true love. Plus I wanted to take a break from the couple of political pieces I wrote and just be silly. Based on your writing, and the person I imagine you to be, I highly doubt that you married your husband to swim in the fountain of youth. 16 years is admirable, and I’m sure your relationship will withstand the test of time, and for that I congratulate you because too many marriages don’t.

      xoxo
      Stacie

  9. I LOVE to read you! Such a great topic and well written post! Thank you for sharing. I like younger guys (I find them interesting to talk to, but not to listen to talk to each other in a group), but I know for sure if I find myself single again, I will be partnering with cats and dogs, not people 🙂 At any age, learning to conform and compromise with someone new sounds like lots of work. Looks do not even play into the things I can think of that would wear me out. Like glasses sitting all over the house, eating in every room and unknown bathroom habits to name a few. LOL Thanks for the laugh and smile!

    • Thanks, Amber.
      My post was meant as a light, snarky commentary on a youth-obsessed Hollywood. The same rules would apply to the multiple (and many more) men who follow the same pattern. I stuck with women, in part, because I found those pictures to be so funny.

      Thanks for laughing, and for not taking me too seriously! =)

      Stacie

  10. This was too funny! However, I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I am engaged to a man who is quite a bit older then me. For me it’s because men, I mean guys my age (i turn 30 in December) still act like teenagers and still want to get drunk every weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I still like to have cocktails myself and get drunk every now and then, but not like I did in my college years. It’s like, hello, I’m a divorced mother of a 4 year old, my idea of a good time isn’t going out and getting wasted every weekend. In the last couple of years of being single, I have dated guys my own age and older. Older men are so much more mature, care about my feelings, thoughts, wants to hear my mind, and it’s fabulous. I don’t know if it’s all older men, or just mine. 🙂 I could NEVER ever date a guy younger than me and I don’t see how other women do. I already have a son, and I don’t need two. Clearly this is why I’m marrying an older man. 🙂

    • Sarah,

      I’m so happy to see you, and hopefully, the next time I get back to my hometown I can see you in person.

      At the risk of sounding redundant, I wrote this piece as a light, snarky commentary on a Hollywood-obsessed addiction to youth. I focused on women because those pics were, to me, super-funny, and as a gender, we generally do more to look young than men.

      As a more full and serious commentary, I think many of us on this earth are old souls. Often people truly connect with others twice their age because they have a lot in common, and end up maintaining that commonality through long and satisfying relationships. I’m sure that will be the case with yours, and you know I’m rooting for you. But if you start dating a 16 year old dude and hanging out at the skate park, I’ll be a little worried. =)

      Stacie

      • That would be awesome to see you the next time you’re in L-ville! This was a funny piece and I LOVED your choice of pictures. The what looked like 70 something bag of bones woman with the sagging implants was too much. hahaha!

        Thanks for rooting for me! Sometimes my other half teases me about acting “old” when I want to go to bed at 9:00 p.m. ha! Yeah, don’t worry about me picking up 16 year old dudes at the skate park, I’ll leave that up to my 15 year old niece. 🙂

  11. I keep my eyes peeled at my daughter’s school pick up for eligible grade schoolers just in case Hubs and I should ever part ways. I was cruising the high school but I think those boys are too mature for me. I need someone I can train to service my walker.
    Seriously, it broke my heart when I saw that picture of Susan Sarandon with the creepy dude. He scares me. And he does look like Tim Robbins’s son.

  12. OMG! Please tell that skeleton to go back to the coffin, break time over, ummm and don’t forget the cushions, ma’am!

    The most talked about one here in India is the Demi-Ashton pair! She has completely lost her head after the break-up but what bothers me is that she REALLY WAS expecting him to stay sane forever? I guess he has ‘dude?’ written all over his face.

    I have always admired SS’ work but never knew this ‘puppy-bitch’ side to her story and they do resemble and how?!

    Lastly, me being 29, is looking at both the sides with heaps of confidence. I loved my twenties and I’m so looking forward to my thirties too! I’m a strong believer in the term ‘Never say never!’ but I guess I can say this just one time, NEVER! It makes my core sick.

    Very sensitive issue but handled so beautifully with tons of humor & charm, Stacie! Really happy to read. xx

  13. Ooosh. I will never be able to un-see that 102-yr-old woman with the implants. And tiny-tri bikini. What did I do to deserve this, Stacie??! Plus, I feel old now, because I know I’ve made a lot more X’s on that calendar than you. Okay, a few more. (But only on the calendar, not on my back.)

      • Careful about feeling up your chairs. You never know who’s been sitting there before you. And what state of undress they may have been in. And what state of genital wellness. Unless it’s your own home and then, well, you would have a good handle on all of that. Probably.

  14. (Where is the Orgasmatron when you need it!?) Women go for younger men for the same reason that men go for younger women, youth, vigor, plasticity, stamina, status, power, beauty, money, whatever. Everything people have either lost or have never had… Lust and sex have always (and will always) rule the world baby. Hollywood is just an expression of that. Problems arise when the line between fantasy and reality blurs. Some (most) fantasies are best left unresolved (unrequited?). Just like me and Michelle Rodriguez (oh, and Jada Pinkett Smith). … What?

  15. While I think it is practical and likely for any two compatible people to be of near-about age, the bell curve of maturity declares that there will always be some couples who are well-matched, just not in years. As long as it works, more power to them.
    Having said that, I don’t know if a younger partner is a symbol of anything more than your ability to get a younger person interested and committed.
    Also, in one of your comments, you spoke about Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn. That story is amazing. I can’t imagine what people must have said when he ditched Farrow for her, it’s twenty years and they’re still together.
    Nice post.

    • I agree, I think there are people who are older souls and younger souls, and because of that, they work with mates who are decades away from their age. I also think that there are women in their 40s and 50s who chase youth to a fault, and in doing so, partner up with a boyfriend who does nothing to make them look pathetic. Personal opinion. =)

      As for Woody and Soon-Yi…I’d put them in the former category based on longevity.

      Thanks for commenting Bharat. Hope you’re well and WRITING.

    • i have to comment on this one… mia farrow and woody allen’s son is some kind of a brainiac – he’s a rhodes or fulbright scholar, one of those… and on father’s day he tweeted: “HAPPY FATHER’S DAY OR AS THEY SAY IN MY HOUSE, HAPPY BROTHER-IN-LAW DAY.” ugh, so good, so good. xo, sm

  16. i could not agree with this post more. i wrote a scathing, scathing, post on demi moore’s upset state of affairs after her “break up.” I mean what in the feck did she think was going to happen? ay yay yay. and susan sarandon i just love. so, i don’t even know what to do nor say about her and her ping pong boy. i’m hoping she’s being all lady-jack nicholson about it, but I don’t know. i just don’t trust it. awesome post. xo, sm

    • Great to see you SM. I miss you! I read your blog a lot more often than I comment, because as you so rightly stated, there’s only so much time…Can you believe that it was late March when we were talking about getting freshly pressed? There’s a topic for you to write about and get FP’d yet again…blog years are like dog years…love ya!

  17. This is why I have missed you. Well also thoughtful and provoking political insight and expertly crafted words but yes, also this. So funny. I have some catching up to do but decided to start with your oldest instead of youngest post that I missed. Not that oldest or youngest is important, I imply nothing. Seriously great stuff as always Stacie. Cheers.

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