I’m Coming Out of the Closet


No, not THAT closet. The closet in my front hallway, which is where I like to hide out when propaganda-laden neighbors try to beat down the front door and my kids come home from school.

You think you’ve got it hard? Try living in a subdivision where only .00019387% of the residents support your candidate. It’s like The Hunger Games around here just trying to put up a lawn sign.

Katniss Everdeen’s got nothing on me when I’m putting an Obama bumper sticker on my car. (Image via the fantasy dreamlike sequences that often invade my brain.)

Colorado’s electoral votes may be up from grabs today, but everyone knows that’s based largely on the growing prison population in Canon City and all of those weirdos who live in Boulder.

“What? I’m at a college football game? I thought this was an Obama rally!” (Image via some lady in Boulder sitting next to me at a college football game.)

Out here in suburban Utopia, where unicorns fly children to school every day and teachers would rather be paid in happy face stamps than cash, things look a little different. 

That’s my neighbor, taking a little joy ride in his Gulf Stream C-37. (Image via my unsuspecting neighbor, who didn’t know I took this picture, but would nevertheless approve this message.)

So at the risk of having my house egged, TP’d, and someone stealing the limited edition Barack Obama bobblehead doll I have buried upside down in the front yard for good luck, I’m coming out of the closet. Someone has to be the voice of reason around here, and since the other three Democrats in the neighborhood are riding out the election in their state-of-the-art political fallout shelter/wine cellars, I’m stepping up to the plate.

Who cares who wins the election? I’m getting tanked down here! (Image via someone with a lot of cash.)

Why I’m Voting For Barack Obama:

1. As much as I like to talk about my big balls I was, in fact, born with a vagina. 

2. Contrary to what liberal-leaning Supreme Court Justices want you to believe, Ruth Bader Ginsburg may in fact be nothing more than the airbrushed image of her former self. According to someone on the radio who sounds a lot like Rush Limbaugh, Tupac and Justice Ginsburg are the two most famous holograms ever to appear at the Coachella Music Festival.

Tupac’s from Kenya too, right?

3. Because Donald Trump isn’t.

4. Since I was blessed with a vagina at birth, I want it to be happy.

That’s my vagina after two margaritas. OK, that’s not really mine, but isn’t it cute?


5. Because I believe in giving back. Take for instance, my neighbor down the street with the ginormous Romney sign tattooed onto the back window of his A8. He’s a retired CFO who works at H&R Block four months out of the year and then collects unemployment benefits to cover utilities and taxes for his beach house. He’s too busy customizing the shaft of his seven-iron to even realize he’s part of the 47%!

I found this by googling “Old guy swinging golf club.” I’m serious. Try it. (Image via guardian.co.uk.)

6. I’m voting for Barack Obama in honor of my mom. As a teacher, principal, and VP for a non-profit family literacy organization, she chose a career of service rather than one lined with stock options. Even though she could have set me up with a sweet trust fund, and instead gave me, like, a college education (whatevs!), gravity dictates that the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Don’t mess with my mom.

And for all of my well-intended Republican friends who are plotting to take me to lunch this afternoon and slip me a ruffie so I can’t make it to the polls? Too late. Just like you, I’ve already cast my vote.

So that’s it. I’m out in the open, and even though I’ve now put my life into your hands, I’m not worried. My uber-supportive husband picked up an awesome disguise at the WalMart after-Halloween sale last week so I can leave the house unharmed.

My husband knows a patriot when he sees one. (Image via victoriassecret.com)

91 responses »

  1. Thank you for voting – and for supporting Obama. (Even Gabi supports Obama partly because of what she’s heard from Grace, apparently.) If Romney wins, I and my girls may very well go into hiding.

  2. As always, I am a sucker for a hook. Great stuff as always Stacie.

    always, always, always, always, always.

    I guess I had some of those I needed to get out of my system or something.

  3. Let’s just hope whomever wins this battle will uphold our country to the standards which we all deserve, the standards found in the creation of our beautiful, free country: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

    • I couldn’t agree with your eloquent comment more, Kimberly. However, it appears to become more and more difficult, with each election cycle, to achieve that goal based on hard-line views from both sides of the table and a Congress destined to be at war with itself for the next four years. We have a slight wind at our backs with the economy right now, and as this race is likely to be a narrow victory for either candidate, let’s hope that whoever squeaks into office understands that the entire nation expects him to lead us forward. =/

  4. Count me as one other person in the neighborhood who voted for Obama. It was the tax cuts that got me. I love a good tax cut as much as anybody, but we’ve got a bad deficit problem and if you drastically cut revenue, I just do not see how the deficit doesn’t get worse (even accounting for increased tax inflows that allegedly will result from happy businesses). Romney was asked many, many times how he planned to pay for the proposed tax cuts, and he didn’t have an answer. Now he did promise not to increase the deficit with his tax cuts, but again refused to explain how he could possibly live up to that promise. Couple that with his party’s frightening social policies (I actually think the real Romney is pretty moderate) and Obama became my choice. If my friends’ Facebook posts are any indication, this is certainly an unpopular stance in our neck of the woods.

    • Even though I took a lighthearted tone in my blog today, I had sincere reservations about posting it because the political process, in general, has become so polarized.

      That having been said, women’s rights are near and dear to my heart. If a Republican candidate came out in 2012 with a pro-choice, pro-equal rights platform? I would absolutely listen.

      Thanks for the comment, Amy. I hope we can take the slight headwind that’s blowing behind our economy right now and move forward in all directions, regardless of who wins.

  5. Thanks for coming out! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one out here in DC! I think we’ll all be glad when it’s over at this point. And I hope we can all rally behind whoever wins because we can accomplish so much more when we’re not divided. After all, we are the UNITED States of America!

  6. Awesome post! I had to sneak out of my closet to read it and then quickly duck back in. Yes, you could say I am a big chicken, but hey, everyone knows where I work! And I certainly can’t wear an outfit like you got to the office…However, I can call in a complaint when that C-37 flies over again 🙂

    • You absolutely CAN wear it to the office Lisa! Come on over and I’ll let you borrow mine. It’s not really my taste…doesn’t show quite enough skin.

      Thanks for commenting and make sure you step out of the closet for at least a little while today…it’s a beautiful day!

  7. You are not alone in the Village!!! There are actually a few of us roaming around these hills! But, it sure can make you feel like hiding in the closet! Great analogy !

  8. Just finished voting for Obama about two hours ago. Fortunately I don’t live in one of those neighborhoods, but I DO come from one of those families! My mother has a framed photo of George W. Bush on her desk. Okay, it’s not exactly on her desk, but it’s in her office. Still counts, right?

    LOVED your post!


    • It’s OK, everyone in my family cancels out each other’s votes. Good thing we all live in different states!

      Thanks for the comment, Kathy. I debated publishing it, because I really DON’T want to offend anyone, but life is short and getting shorter by the day….

  9. I loved Stephen Colbert’s offer to Donald Trump. Needless to say, so did my teenage son, because, you know, something like that is right up a teenage boy’s sense-of-humor alley.

    By the way, if Trump were to ever be president, I think I’d curl up in a ball and roll to another planet. Make that another galaxy if Ann Coulter were his running mate…

  10. Great post! I think you could relate to Missy. She voted for President Obama in ’08 and kept it a secret from our family until he was inagurated! haha! We were brought up in a conservative/republican household. My dad always teases and asks “where did I go wrong?” 🙂 I chose to vote for Romney/Ryan, however I don’t get all pissy and yell and fight when talking about politics, because I think it’s interesting to hear or read other peoples views. Let’s face it, we’re all human, with different thoughts, feelings, and opinions! You voted and let your voice be heard. Right on, sista!

  11. Love it!! Well I can’t vote because I’m not a US citizen but my husband with his newly minted citizenship card voted as soon as his ballot arrived (why doesn’t FLA and others do mail-in ballots…sooooo much better than waiting in line for hours). And our son (7) is of course dual. We’ve started the indoctrination early and it’s working. 😉 I’ve already overheard him telling a friend not to vote for Romney because he wants to get rid of Big Bird.

    Can’t see the photo of Paul Ryan…

    • What’s most important to me is that whoever can vote does vote; after a lot of thought and debate. We all have different drivers in any election. My pro-choice/pro-equal rights POV happens to be my largest, and I don’t see that changing. =)

      Thanks for the comment. I’ve been looking for new recipes from you without any luck. What have you been up to?

      Will check out the pic…

      • I totally agree with you and was being tongue-in-cheek about “indoctrination”. Informed decision-making is really the crux of voting. (And the basic tenet of my genetic counseling career, too actually!)

        I haven’t been blogging….still cooking and taking photos but haven’t been feeling inspired with anything to say about it, unfortunately. My brain seems to be on holiday. Sigh.

      • You need to get back to the blog! I love your First Day of School French Fries, but the kids are getting kind of tired of eating them for breakfast every day….

  12. Absolutely hysterical…as always, Bestie. For those of you who can’t view the Paul Ryan photo (like me, at the moment), I suspect that it is not karma preventing us from viewing it, as Stacie claimed to me in a phone call only moments ago, but a GOP conspiracy.

    Although I am not permitted to discuss the contents of that photo, I will give you guys a clue: butthead. Stacie is going to fix the link, so you MUST return to see it. Trust me on this one.

    • Whether karma or a conspiracy I’m still having trouble, perhaps because it seriously is a horrendous picture of me, and Paul actually comes off looking pretty good. I have a perma tan and my bangs are seriously ugly.

      Anyway I’ll keep trying. Love you like a sista, bestie. Thanks for tweeting me around your awesome twitterverse.

  13. As always, on the money Stacie! This post should have carried a “disturbing content” rating… Colbert’s offer to Trump… oh man, just when I thought I was done with therapy… back to the shrink I go!
    Did you know that we Canadians actually go apeshit over the US elections, especially during the final week, it’s like wall to wall coverage 24/7 on the major news networks over here…
    You’ll be happy to know that most Canadians with half a brain (I do include Le Clown in this category) want Obama to win. Heck, to us, Romney looks like a cross between principal Skinner and Freddy Krueger. Scary mormon dude. God knows what he’ll do if he gets elected (actually God porbably has no idea; even scarier).
    Jeez, he might declare Evolution unconstitiutional, or tell all the hurricane Sandy losers to quit griping and get a job… who knows!!!
    That said, I do wish you and your vagina the best of luck with tonight’s election results.
    Take care.

    • Had you not seen the Colbert bit before this? Reading my post was worth it, if for nothing else, for that. BEST moment of the election, hands down.

      Even though you can’t cast a vote in our election, Phillipe, you always support me and I appreciate that. And thank you for wishing my vagina well.


  14. Stacie,

    Loved your honesty and humor and most importantly how you cast your vote! I am currently, however, holed-up in my own bunker here in the village, trying to maintain a low profile.

    Keep writing! You make all of us smile – especially the Young Democrats at Rock Canyon High School who are now following your posts.


    • I’ve been known to use my words in verbal combat from time to time, but as I’m older than you (likely by a couple of decades) I now prefer to sit back and watch with a Makers and Ginger Ale rather than jump in. Unless I have too many Makers, and then it’s a freaking free for all.

      Thanks for the comment. =)

  15. We live in such a liberal bubble in our town that it’s hard to imagine the whole sign-stealing (which no doubt tilts the election in their favor!) thing. There are Romney supporters in town, but there isn’t much in terms of contentious sign stealing. However, if I was going to steal a sign it would definitely be Gemini.

  16. I’ve found that many of those with vaginas have big balls.

    I only hop Prescott Pharmaceuticals makes something for Colbert to sanitize his balls with after the dipping…

  17. I definitely want that wine cellar! Coolest, ever! Plus, you know, full of wine, so also a plus (though if I spent the money for that wine cellar, I don’t think I’d have any money left for wine… except Trader Joe’s now ‘3 buck chuck’ – went up a whole dollar! ick)

    And Colbert is hilarious. I find that whether you agree with him or not, he’s definitely a funny guy 🙂

    Plus: is that really a new lingerie outfit from VS? Can’t believe I haven’t seen it! hahaha

  18. You are not alone in the hood–I know at least 6 other Democrats! I went into Denver last weekend just to see some Obama signs! It’s going to be a long night!

    • Wow. That’s, like, double the number I thought! We need some kind of secret handshake or something…well, you guys do. I need a bullet-proof vest.

      It IS going to be a long night. Thankfully I have a great Malbec on hand.

      Thanks for the comment, Mel!

  19. I lived in the suburbs for four years after moving here…the NICE parts. It was hard seeing so many out of touch people trying to talk about our nation’s issues when some of them haven’t ever struggled in their lives.

    I ALSO want my vagina to be happy. I also want it to have killer biceps like the one in that picture.

  20. Looks like you found all the support you needed in the country and in cyber world. In light of that, I will come out of the closet too. I am a well educated woman and a mother. I believe very strongly in the need of every American to give back in whatever way they are able. I love and respect you and your mom. I voted for Mitt Romney.

    • I’m so happy to see you out of the closet too, Susan. As we get older and more sure of our voices, being trapped in a 2 x 2 room doesn’t feel right.

      We’ll have a lot to talk about over our next glass of wine in KY. I’m looking forward to it. =)

      • What I am thankful for is that we still have a right to vote and can have an opinion in this country. I as well voted for Mitt Romney. I am woman with a vagina who is a small business owner, without stock options, that has worked very hard to be successful and to give back to my community and country as we all should. Based on what I believe Obama’s path for this great country whether it be moral issues, the economy….bigger government….I do not feel it is what is best for us. What I ask of those who self proclaim they are liberal is that as you have asked me to be open minded, I who believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that you extend to be open minded that I disagree with most liberal ideas. True tolerance does not involve accepting every viewpoint as true and valid; it involves treating with love and humility someone whose opinions you believe to be untrue and invalid. Stacie, this is not being written directly to you, but I decided this was a place that I could share my opinion on this topic as well 🙂 Obviously, government is important but I would rather be told what to do by God (and of course fail and continue to try as I am not perfect nor do I expect anyone to be) than to be told by the government what, and how and when and so and so on at a much higher level than ever before. I appreciate you allowing me to voice my thoughts and certainly would hope to be able to join you in a meal if you come in town. Thanks again your friend, Amy

      • Amy,
        You know, one of the great things about writing, whether it’s a blog, an opinion piece for the newspaper, on facebook, etc., is that it simply feels good to have a public forum to express personal opinions. Some people will agree with what you, me, or anyone writes, and others won’t, but because of that disagreement (as long as it isn’t mean-spirited) self-awareness has a chance to grow. It’s kind of a two-for-one in that regard. I love hearing the opinions of others, especially when they’re different than mine, because that’s one of the most important ways that I learn.

        You have been kind, in your friendship, to support what I write. I appreciate your continued support even though, at least in this case, you have a different point of view. You will ALWAYS have a friend in me in expressing anything you want. I appreciate that you offer the same.

        I would love nothing more than to have dinner with you and Susan, and talk about this or anything else. I’m overdue for a trip home, so when I figure it out, you two will be hearing from me.

        Thanks for your thoughtful comment. Email me if you wanna chat more so we can exchange phone #s.

        I hope you’re well, and if you get to CO before I make it to KY, you’d better let me know!


    • Susan, I know we’ll catch up via phone re the election, but I just want to point out how eloquently you stated your comment. Your sentence structure has a cadence to it that reads like a novel, especially the last sentence. Just sayin’. xoxoxo

  21. Stacie, loved your description of being one of the few democrats in a very red neighborhood. Here in Williamson County, TN, a suburb of Nashville, its hard to believe our vote even counts, everything looks so permanently red. And we joke at church about needing the secret handshake! Glad to know our MCC roots continue to follow us into adulthood. Enjoy today!

    • I didn’t even know Democrats were allowed to enter the state of Tennessee. Thanks for the update, I’ve always wanted to take the kids to Dollywood! =p

      Great seeing you here, Gretchen. Thanks for commenting, and hope you and your family are well!

    • Witty you are, Jed. Thanks for the comment. I’m hoping that as you and your wife travel the country, you’ll head back this way soon. Colorado has always been the healthiest state in the union, but it’s gonna be like, the partyingist state too. Woo Hoo!

  22. As you so brilliantly illustrated with point number 5, there are a lot of people out there lip-syncing Rush Limbaugh. But behind closed doors, they’re leaning on their state’s Medicaid and free lunch programs, and I think more than a few of them voted for Obama. Close call on Tuesday, but not nearly as close as expected.

    Great post, Stacie. You just keep getting better and better.

  23. I did the math, and your subdivision smashes 1,547,429 people into it – and I think Hari Sreenivasan made mention of your neighborhood’s intense red dot (surrounded by various shades of pink throughout CO) while talking about demographics Tuesday night. That’s a whole lot of people who want the government to be actively engaged in fouling the planet’s air/water/biodiversity – which speaks directly to why I vote the way I do. Unlike you, though, my little patch of the world is quite progressive, and so I don’t have to be particularly militant when in public…

    By the way, Stacie – my comment violates about 27 personal dictates about discussing politics. I’m guessing that means I’m that comfortable visiting here!

    • Sid, you know you and your 27 personal dictates are always free to speak your mind here, so I’m glad you did. I too, have about 27 personal dictates about discussing politics, which I conveniently ignored when I wrote this post. I’m still trying to get the hang of listening to that little guy who sits on my shoulder.

      Thanks for your visit. I’m coming by to return the favor… =)

  24. I think I’m living in the same type of area as yours. Our large city is heavily democratic but my neighborhood wasn’t, thus I had to deal with not only Romney signs but all the other “red” signs up and down the neighborhood. My wife wouldn’t let me put anything in our yard so I had to “suffer” in silence, although I also knew it was a given that Obama would win here.

    • This year felt so different than it did four years ago, where the signs were more evenly placed (although still not equal) yard-to-yard and the feeling of pending change was actually good.

      I’m happy with the election results, but will stay cautiously optimistic that President Obama and Congress can actually effectuate change over the next four years.

      Thanks for the comment!

  25. I live in a town just like that. It’s 1,200 square feet and really there’s only one official Republican in it but he’s reeeally Republican so I think he counts as 10 and he’s armed. Oh, did I say “town”? I meant house. Maybe I should have a cup of that conservative coffee my Republican townie made.
    Actually Hubs was complaining that it’s hard to be an openly Republican person in our town and to a certain extent he’s right. Maybe I should build him a bunker.

  26. This is a good read even after the election! Heck, i live in an area where the majority vote for anything with Republican below the candidate’s name. Then again, a Democrat running for Congress this time didn’t have a website, didn’t have a campaignn office, and didn’t campaign because of he was working on the road as a truck driver …. and still got 30-some percent of the vote.

  27. Cute vagina. 🙂 I think a lot of our neighbors lean toward the right, and the religious. sighs… we were afraid to put out a NO of 8 sign for fear of our house being egged. We were appalled at how many of our neighbors were willing to put hateful signs in their yards. Good for you for coming out. Fun post.

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